Sew Cute Patterns Employee Directory
Updated Quarterly (or whenever Gary remembers)
🕷️ Gary Spider
Employee ID: SCP-0001
Department: Quality Assurance
Title: Director of Quality Assurance & Strategic Halloween Planning
Years of Service: Unknown. Records indicate he was simply...there one day.
Responsibilities
Pattern testing
Product inspections
Halloween expansion initiatives
Offering stock market commentary
Performance Review
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Manager Comments:
"Technically excellent. Frequently appears without notice. Startles visitors."
Disciplinary Actions
Built a web between two camera tripods.
Refused to leave a product photo.
Attempted to rename October to "Spider Season."
🍟 Phil Rat
Employee ID: SCP-0002
Department: Business Development
Title: Vice President of Unexpected Opportunities
Years of Service: Hired immediately following a non-existent interview.
Responsibilities
Market research
Snack acquisition
Expansion planning
Dumpster-diving for innovation
Performance Review
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Manager Comments:
"Brilliant ideas. Questionable methods."
Disciplinary Actions
Submitted expense report containing only french fries.
Opened three departments without approval.
Attempted hostile takeover of lunch.
🥤 Sally Soda
Employee ID: SCP-0017
Department: Employee Wellness
Title: Director of Workplace Refreshments
Responsibilities
Team morale
Snack coordination
Hydration awareness
Performance Review
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Manager Comments:
"Productive until she discovers cookies."
Disciplinary Actions
Turned a quarterly meeting into a snack tasting event.
Authorized a second lunch.
🐶 Scribbles Dog
Employee ID: SCP-0045
Department: Customer Experience
Title: Chief Happiness Officer
Responsibilities
Greeting visitors
Encouraging beginners
Emotional support
Performance Review
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐+
Manager Comments:
"We tried to give him six stars."
Disciplinary Actions
None.
Awards
Employee of the Month (27 consecutive months)
Goodest Employee Award
🐱 Thimbles Attack Cat
Employee ID: SCP-0066
Department: Security
Responsibilities
Threat assessment
Fabric surveillance
Monitoring suspicious movement
Performance Review
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆
Manager Comments:
"Effective. Aggressively effective."
Disciplinary Actions
Attacked tape measure.
Attacked shadow.
Attacked own reflection.
Attacked annual review.
⚾ Benny Baseball
Employee ID: SCP-0084
Department: Organizational Development
Responsibilities
Team-building initiatives
Committee management
Strategic planning
Performance Review
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆
Disciplinary Actions
Formed committee to investigate committee creation.
Created subcommittee to support committee committee.
🍔 Patty Burger
Employee ID: SCP-0099
Department: Lunch Operations
Responsibilities
Cafeteria oversight
Employee nutrition
Phil containment
Performance Review
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Manager Comments
"Patty's work would be easier if Phil would stop hiding fries everywhere."
Internal Company Memo
To: All Employees
From: Human Resources
Subject: Office Policies
Please stop storing snacks inside sewing machines.
Employees may not create new departments without approval.
Halloween decorations are not considered emergency office equipment.
Looking directly at Gary is optional.
Phil may no longer approve his own expense reports.
Security investigations require an actual threat, Thimbles.
Current Job Openings
Director of Pumpkin Affairs
Status: Open
Vice President of Candy Corn Relations
Status: Open
Seasonal Ghost Consultant
Status: Open
Assistant to the Vice President of Unexpected Opportunities
Status: Phil has already hired someone.
Employee of the Year
🏆 2026 Winner: Gary Spider
Reason:
Successfully convinced management that a giant spider pattern was a business necessity.
